By intertwining with who he is, all of my “stuff” has come to the surface and is ready to be dealt with.
And by “stuff” I mean the projected crazy, stories, societal norms, and vested outcomes I’ve held close and then spewed once a relationship was established.
This has been a habit with everyone I’ve been with.
This time, I want to do things differently. I want to create something with this adorable person, not just follow a script of the appropriate “roles” we are to play because we’re in a “relationship”.
In this exploration it’s being revealed to me how I hold on, control, and resist love.
It’s painful to admit I allow love to trickle instead of rush in because I can’t handle it. I keep it at bay because I am terrified of loss. I’m scared of being ecstatic, and having this extraordinary person alongside me then having it ripped away.
Because that’s what happened. I opened up and loved harder than I had before and he was gone instantaneously.
Since then, I have felt split into two parts, Human and Ethereal. The human part wants everything to remain small and safe. She will do everything at all costs to maintain the status quo even if it’s painful.
Human is the sum of my thirty five years. She knows ALL about loss, hurt feelings, and feeling misunderstood. She knows about fear, neediness, and unmet desires. She knows about manipulation, and chasing “connection” through conflict.
Ethereal also knows this but doesn’t live there. She sees Human occasionally forgetting her resilience and floundering in fear while she’s busy marveling in the present moment.
Ethereal wants it all; the sunshine, the laughter, the playfulness, ALL the sexy times, the touching, cuddling, adventures, deep conversations, intimacy, hand holding, closeness, contrast, the breaking out and open, and yes, love.
She cares nothing about what happened and everything about what is happening right now. She soaks up the sum of him plus me, this being that stands between Human and Ethereal, and relishes every last bit of it.
Human reminds Ethereal about grief, about getting things done, about not having time for its airy-fairy business.
Ethereal is too busy smelling those gorgeous roses while enjoying the warmth of his hand and delighting in his beating heart to care about how much Human weighs, what she’s wearing and how she presents herself to the world.
We co-exist, although not very well at times. Ethereal is all love, and Human is mostly fear, although she looks at love and thinks it might be nice to let go and trust that something greater is at work.
While I’m gaining my footing and learning more about who I now am in a relationship he’s still here, meeting me where I am with love, kindness…demonstrating that I can receive that love and give it to myself as well; that I am deserving of it.
His willingness to take this path with me is one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever been given.
He teaches me that I get to have everything I want. He reminds me that he will hold my hand, and we’ll do it together.
And despite my humanity arguing for its limitations, I believe him.