The words still ring inside your fifteen year old mind, “Boys will want to touch you. Tell them no. They only want one thing and will hurt you.” You took these words and set them in the back of your mind. You waited for the touching to happen and it did. You let it happen because your curiosity grew until you could no longer contain it. You asked him to slow down and he did. You said to not press so hard and he responded with gentle pressure. You tried to relax, allow it to happen but those words came up to your surface, infiltrated your blood stream like a disease. “They will hurt you.” So you left your body, filled your mind with a hundred different things because you didn’t want it to hurt, but you didn’t want it to stop either.
You have tried to remove this part of yourself. The shame of having a vagina with all its needs and functions are too much for you. This wanting and desire seems to be more trouble than it’s worth. Hide it, cover it, and sit like a lady. Stuff your feminine needs into this bag so they won’t know that you bleed. You don’t need those intricate pieces of lingerie because you don’t need to feel sexy. Why would you ever groom yourself there? No one should see it. You shouldn’t be thinking about those things.
Men will want you and you shouldn’t let them. Erase your anatomy so they can’t. You can of course, pencil it back in once you’ve found someone to marry. Only then are you allowed to let go and enjoy sex. Except you won’t be able to because you’ve erased that part, remember? You’ve shamed yourself for so long that you have no idea what arousal, desire, your own vagina even looks like. You won’t let anyone get near you because you perceive them as bad, wrong for wanting you. You float in this limbo of wanting to trust and wanting to push away. You feel confused and uptight. You shouldn’t want it but you do. The war in your mind rages on while it’s happening and you aren’t present. You don’t actually feel his hands, but words. Those nasty words thrown at you. “Slut”, “no self-respect”, and threats of being sent away as if you needed to be fixed; cleansed of your unclean desires.
This damage is not permanent. There are scars, sure, but the open wounds crying out for attention and love can be healed. Awareness is the first step to moving forward instead of treading water in self-destructive patterns. Own this part of yourself as real, good, and healthy. Go easy, listening to your body, using its wisdom to delete the nasty words that no longer serve you. Experience everything your body has to offer without apology or regret. You are here for a reason. Understand that you are safe. You are loved beyond measure and are supported. Explore, communicate your desires, and allow yourself to step out into the sunshine, receiving all the love and pleasure available to you. Claim every aspect of your experience and use it to grow so that others may do the same.