Magical things are happening. I am unabashedly letting love in. Not just teeny bits here and there, but letting it rush in like an avalanche cascading down a mountain.
And I feel completely unapologetic about it.
Because of this, I wasn’t able to love you. I couldn’t even see you, let alone let myself be seen. I needed you to jump through endless hoops because I was. It was how I learned the way that love worked. I would turn myself inside out for you and you would do the same for me which would “prove” we loved each other.
Yeah, not so much.
Things shifted when I started listening to that little internal voice that said “go here”, “do this”, and “try that.” I attracted likeminded people. I came to understand that I don’t have to pull everyone I encounter to me and squeeze them with my death grip exclaiming “You love me right?!” hoping that outside love would be enough to fill up on.
I had to fill myself which meant dropping this idea of being everything to everyone, and listening to what it was I truly wanted.
I understand I get to choose who I let into my life. If we don’t resonate with each other, we’ll move on.
And that’s perfectly ok.
Turning myself into a pretzel so I could keep someone’s attention not only hurts, it’s misleading.
Developing willingness to be seen and loved as I am is just as painful as not. It’s a new skill that I am practicing.
I had to stop doubting that I could have it, and start believing that I deserve it. I went out on a limb and got real. With friends, with co-workers, my partner, and strangers. I have a bigger capacity for giving when I am paying more attention to my emotions instead of scrambling trying to placate those of others.
Does this make me selfish? Absolutely. But not in the way we are taught to avoid. I am selfish in a way that puts my needs, emotions and desires before anything else. From that space, I fill up on the things that make me the person that I am. When I am full, I have a greater capacity to give and love.
I’m no longer scrambling to get your attention, to do things to make you like me which is energy depleting. This frees up space to let the good stuff in…the people that want to be in my company. It shines a light on the ones I want to spend my time with. I no longer feel a compulsive need to be everything to everyone which has resulted in a happiness I experiencing for the first time in my life.