This is where problems arise. I am guilty of sitting back and hoping my partner will just “figure it out.” My skin used to crawl with agitation when a new partner would ask “What do you like?” I’d want to respond with “Do whatever you want and I’ll let you know.” Part of this was just wanting to see how he expressed this part of himself, but another part knew I should say something, take responsibility for my body and what I wanted. I felt guilty for wanting anything though. It was as if wanting rendered me needy, undesirable, and or a bother. What if he didn't want to give what I was asking for? I didn't feel I could open myself up out of fear he may reject me.
Also, I couldn't tell him because I didn't actually know. I didn't take the time to look inside and wonder what‘s important to me when it comes to sex. I was so busy leaving my body while being touched, that I wasn't present for any of it to give feedback. I searched for fulfillment with every partner, wanting them to fill a void I couldn't address. A civil war was raging in my head. One side said to relax and trust this person and the other side was reminding me of what a slut I was for even wanting sex. It felt clichéd to say things like “kiss my neck” and “go slowly”. My fear of judgment clouded the words in my head, rendering me speechless. What if I said I wanted to be choked and it freaked him out? What If my desires were too “vanilla” for him and he found me boring? No matter where I am on the sexual spectrum, I am filled with insecurity about my desires. Better not to say anything.
Except keeping quiet doesn't get anyone anywhere. When nothing is said, there is nothing to compromise on. Maybe he will be freaked out that I want to be choked, but we can at least have a conversation about it and find a place where we’re both comfortable. I could be introduced to new things should he find sex with me not as stimulating as he’d like and that could open doors for each of us. This can only be achieved with communication on both parts. Once a conversation has started about what’s missing or what one person wants, a compromise can be made. Maybe we start slow and see how it feels, or maybe the idea sounds so freakin’ good we just jump head first into it. Either way, no one should be made to feel badly or ashamed of what they want.
When I’m not open with the person I’m sleeping with, I’m robbing him of the opportunity to know me completely and vice versa. I keep my cards close to my chest and feel unfulfilled sexually while shame and fear run rampant in my mind keeping me trapped in a cycle of “I want that, I can’t have that.”
How does one become free of panic when broaching these subjects with a partner? Understand that you may not feel entirely comfortable and know that it’s OK. Set aside some time to talk about what your needs are outside of being naked if that feels better to you than guiding your partner to places you want them to explore in the heat of the moment. Allow all of your feelings to rise up so they can be acknowledged and released. Open communication develops trust and a deeper sense of intimacy allowing more room for growth and love to enter our relationships.