Do you think I’ll change my mind if you keep going? Do you think that I’ll be so turned on that I’ll magically fuck you if you continue, if you keep ignoring my words, my rigid body language? Did that work for you before? Did you push and push some girl until she complied with your desire to get into her pants?
“But you’re wearing that skirt!” you say. “I can’t help but to touch you.” you protest.
I’m not responsible for what your dick is telling you. My attire, face and body aren’t either. Just because we went on a date or several, doesn’t mean I owe you anything.
I didn’t wear these jeans for you grope me. I didn’t put on this dress for you to slide your hand up my thigh. It wasn’t an invitation. I haven’t decided whether or not I want your touch, so give me longer than the duration of a few hours to choose whether or not I want to reciprocate your advances.
I feel your desire. Let me feel my own, see if it’s even there.
Allow me to offer my sexuality to you. It’s not yours to take, but mine to give as freely as I choose. My affection isn’t something you can wring out of me. I’m not a candy jar for you to reach into.
This isn’t to say I don’t want to engage with you physically.
It means I need you to listen to me when I say “not tonight.” or “not now”, and especially “not ever.”
It means I need more time. I’m still working out what I’m willing to do.
I also need you to understand that I can change my mind and so can you. Just because I say yes now, doesn’t mean I will later, nor am I obligated to.
So how do you know when I’ll want things to go further?
I’ll tell you. I’ll return your advances. I won’t push your hands away. My limbs won’t stiffen beneath your touch. I’ll face you when we’re sitting next to each other instead of facing forward and only glancing at you from time to time avoiding eye contact because I’m afraid you’re going to try and kiss me again.
If you’re coming on so strongly that I can’t explore the nature of my own desire, to see if it’s even there, because I’m too busy guarding against you then you’re robbing us both of a sincere experience. Sex is much better when both partners are fully engaged and willing, not when one is into it and the other is scrambling to leave.
There was a time I was so desperate for love, and affection and so fearful that if I told you “no”, you’d go away and I needed you to stay. I needed you to put out the fires that my fears started of not being enough. I wanted you to make me feel wanted and needed because I had no idea how to take care of myself and set boundaries.
I don’t need those things from you anymore. I don’t rely on your attraction and advances to fill the void in my heart. I don’t consume your kisses to fill myself with nourishment, energy and validation. I show up for you because I want to, because I want to enjoy the loveliness of your company. Let me come towards you, meet you half way and offer what I have available to give.