I respond with trembling fingers, having just raced through a scalding hot shower myself. My hair is dripping on to the floor as I pull on the exorbitantly expensive La Perla bra I bought for the occasion. I clasp the front before reaching into it, arranging my flesh so my breasts appear fuller. I step into the matching thong, my damp skin making it hard to pull it up my thighs. I really wanted my hair and make-up to be done, but I’m out of time.
“Yes?” I call out.
“It’s me.” Mark’s voice responds.
I open the door and step back, wiping away a drop of water that is making its way down my chest.
“Hey.” He looks me up and down, stepping into the room as I place my hands on his waist. In the blink of an eye, we’re a flurry of limbs and motion.
Ten days ago, at work, Mark walked over to my desk and said, “I guess we’re going to San Francisco next week huh?”
I peeled my eyes away from my computer, “Yeah, I noticed that.”
He leaned against the edge of my desk and crossed his arms. He was talking and I was trying not to stare at the bulge in his jeans.
“So what do you think?” he looked at me expectantly, dark eyebrows raised.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t…it’s been a long day. What did you say?”
“Drinks. Do you wanna grab drinks with me?” he smirked.
“No, tomorrow morning. Yes right now! Wow. You do need a break.” he laughed.
“Shut your mouth. And yes, let me text the husband.” I said as I closed down my computer.
“Ok, I’m going to get my coat. Be thinking about where you want to go.” he replied, before walking to his desk.
I’m nowhere near done for today, but a drink or three sounded great. I pulled my phone out of my purse to text Jason.
Mark materialized at my desk as I was pressing “send”.
“You ready?” he asked.
“Yup.” I replied, standing and finding myself so close to him that I could feel the heat coming off of his body. I stepped back, and tucked my chair under the desk.
“After you.” he motioned.
I smiled, and walked towards the door, wondering if his eyes were on my ass, and hoping they were.
The crush I’ve had on Mark since his transfer to my department months ago has been overwhelmingly challenging to not act on. His gregarious personality and charming smile pulled me in with such a force that I had trouble making normal conversation with him. Over time, I felt seen in a way I had not experienced in years. I felt respected, like what I did mattered. It didn’t help that Mark gave me the attention I wasn’t receiving in my marriage. Going to work became a lot easier than going home.
“Hey, where are we going?” he asked once we’re outside.
“Millers?” I suggested because it was easy.
“We always go to Millers.”
“So? It’ll be quiet.”
“What are you? Seventy five? Since when do you care about volume?”
I playfully glared at him, narrowing my eyes.
“Alright! Millers it is then!” he offered his elbow, his hand tucked into his coat pocket.
I slipped my arm through his, my fingers curling around his bicep feeling uneasy. Trouble starts with touching, even seemingly innocent touching. I imagined Jason being out with a lady co-worker and doing the same thing. I pushed the thought out of my head, because he wouldn’t. I was the curious one, the one that liked to tip-toe on the edge of everything.
“Bar or table?” Mark asked, opening the door for me. I let go of his arm and scanned the place. We would be two of seven patrons. Perfect.
“Bar.” I would not be tempted to flirt too much with him if we were in plain sight. It wouldn’t feel like we were on a date.
He chose stools at the far end, away from the door. A heavy set bartender with a hot pink pony tail wandered over, slapping two menus in front of us. “Take your time. My name’s Lucy when you’re ready.” she said before typing someone’s order on a touchscreen computer.
“Whiskey neat, the usual.” I said to Mark.
“Yeah, me too.” he replied to the menu.
When Lucy returned to take our orders. She asked about a tab, as she served us and Mark handed over his credit card.
“I can get mine.” I offered.
“Don’t worry about it. I want to.”
“Well thank you.” I pulled on the sleeves of my V-neck top, a nervous habit.
“You’re welcome. Cheers.”
He held up his glass and I clinked it with mine.
“Will Andrea come with you? To San Francisco?” I asked, after our first sips. Ideas of Mark and me walking through the city, holding lattes and laughing flashed through my head.
“No, she’s studying for the bar, so no fun is to be had for her.” He said, twirling his wedding band with this thumb.
“I don’t know how anyone goes through that.” I traced the rim of my glass with my middle finger, imagining my tongue sliding along his cock. “You guys are staying here in Portland right?”
“We are. Her family is pushing for us to move back to the east coast, but I don’t think that’ll ever happen.”
“Yeah, sometimes I think about Northern California, just to be in the same state as my family but it’s so great here.” I shrugged. “We’re close enough to them.”
The conversation reached a pause, and instead of filling it, I maintained our eye contact, waiting to see if he would break it. Tension stretched out between us like a rubber band about to snap.
“May I confide something?” he asked, his eyes averting mine, and finding his beer awfully fascinating.
“Of course.” I straightened. The heavy tone of his voice told me that what he had to say was more than a casual bit of conversation.
“I know Andrea’s busy and tired. I get it, but we haven’t had sex in ages. It’s driving me crazy. We went from once or twice a day to practically nothing.”
This information settled onto my skin like dust after a bomb going off. I wanted to disclose my own lack of sex and share about how much it hurt to be rejected by the person you’ve signed up to spend your life with, but instead asked,
"Have you talked to her about it?
“I have, but she gets irritated and defensive. Then I get angry and it escalates until we’re both upset and nothing happens.” He ran his hand through his wavy chestnut hair.
“I can relate. I, um, take care of myself a lot.” I offered. I squeezed my knees together as if to ward off blatantly asking him to bend me over and fuck me over this bar stool.
“What? You guys aren’t having sex?”
“Nope. Same situation. He’s tired all the time. I ask, but there’s always an excuse.” I shrugged as if it’s no big deal, but the rejection I feel has gotten so big that I’m not sure how long I can live like this.
“Why don’t people want to have sex?” he asked placing his forearm on the bar, his hand inches from mine. My drink was the only thing that was keeping us from touching.
My fingers gripped the glass as if it would float away. I imagined Mark’s fingertips grazing the inside of my wrist, his lips pressed against the thin skin, his warm breath unfurling like tendrils of smoke against my forearm.
“I don’t know, but this is not what I had in mind when I got married.”
“Me either.” I shook my head.
Mark pushes me against the wall, grabbing a handful of my breast while kissing me deeply. I press my hips to him, that night at the bar an almost distant memory. I feel his erection against my thigh and I want it everywhere, inside of everything.
I pull his long-sleeved shirt over his head, admiring his broad shoulders, and dark brown nipples standing at attention. I kiss his neck as he grabs my ass.
I see Jason’s face in my mind. I see his hands on my body, his dick in my mouth. I bury it all. I don’t want to be anywhere but here. I don’t want to be anything to anyone.
Mark’s fingers press between my legs, finding me soaking through the delicate fabric. I part my legs as he kneels in front of me. I watch his lips graze the top of my thong before pulling it down.
He kisses my thin strip of pubic hair, and parts my lips with his tongue. I press my upper back into the wall and make fists, my nails digging into my palms.
His face presses against me, his tongue eagerly lapping at my wet skin, before visiting my clit, his tongue tip grazing against it. I push my hips forward to increase the pressure.
My belly shudders, and the muscles of my thighs twitch, and shake as he tongue fucks me harder.
“Turn around.” he says.
I do so, pressing my palms against the wall. He pulls my hips toward him. My head drops, eyes fixing on the floor, at my toes, as I feel the gentle pressure of his hands on my ankles, pulling them apart.
The heat of his mouth returns to my pussy. He grabs my ass, pulling the cheeks apart to lick me there. I press into him, enjoying the feeling of his tongue stroking my asshole.
I had asked him that night at Miller’s, after another round of drinks if Andrea would leave him if he cheated on her.
“It’s hard to say. She’d be pissed, so that’s not something I want to encounter. She had an open relationship once so she has a different perspective on these things. What about Jason? You think he’d leave?”
“More than likely, yes. Back up a sec, when was Andrea’s open relationship?”
“It happened with the guy she dated before me. They were together for a couple of years. She said it was great for the most part, but they broke up because he wanted kids and she didn’t. So yeah. I don’t think that kind of thing is for me though.”
“Me either. Although it would be nice if we could get a free pass.”
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“A pass from our spouses to fuck each other, or whoever we wanted. Just a night or two, to get it out of our systems.”
“I would be so down for that.” his eyes widened.
“We’re going to California soon so there’s our opportunity.” I laughed wondering what rabbit hole I was falling into.
At work the next morning my phone buzzed altering me to a new text shortly after I saw Mark get situated at his desk. I opened the message and my jaw dropped.
“Andrea said yes.”
“What?” I mouthed at him and he motioned for me to come over.
“Last night? Talk of the free pass? Remember?” he said when I pulled up a chair across from him.
“You asked her?!” I hissed incredulously.
“Well yeah, kind of jokingly at first. I mean, I’ve never said anything like this before, but…”
“And she’s totally cool with you fucking your co-worker?” I whispered, not buying it.
“She asked a lot of questions like with whom, and she wanted to know if something had happened already, then she said as long as it’s just sex, we use protection and it’s a one-time thing, then ok. So you should ask Jason.”
“I’m not sure how I’m going to ask. “How is Andrea ok with this?”
Mark shrugs. “She’s the only woman I’ve met who can separate sex from everything else reasonably well. I can’t say I’d be as understanding if she came to me with the same request.”
I looked down at the floor as if it had wisdom to impart. I can’t imagine what Jason’s reaction would be if I asked for this. I haven’t so much as kissed another person in eight years, and now I’m contemplating sex with my co-worker, and hoping my husband is going to be ok with it.
“Take your time.” Mark drummed his finger tips on the desk. “But not too much time because, San Francisco.”
I stood, smiled and walked back to my desk.
After getting my asshole and pussy lips thoroughly licked, touched, and finger fucked we tumble onto the bed that’s big enough for four people. I taste myself on his mouth as I kiss him, tangling my legs with his. I hook my thumbs into the waist of his underwear, pushing them down his hips.
He removes them and slides off the bed to fish something out of his jeans. I’m trying to catch a glimpse of his cock as he pulls something black and satiny out of the pocket.
“Put this on and lie back.” he hands me a blindfold and I grin.
He takes hold of my legs, pushing my knees to my chest, separating them as I situate the fabric over my eyes. I feel his lips on me again. The sensation of his mouth, and the heat of his tongue against my clit is heightened as I soften into the darkness the blindfold offers.
His tongue slips in and out of me. I push my hips against his mouth. My legs shudder beneath his hands and he lets go of them.
“I’m going to come all over you.” I tell him.
“Do it.” he replies, his mouth still on me.
I fuck his face, pull his hair, and close my legs a little so I can feel his cheeks against my inner thighs. It feels so good to be desired.
I reach over my head to grab the edge of the bed, as I come. His hands push down harder on my knees, forcing me to open more as I cry out, his relentless tongue adding more pressure.
When I’ve relaxed, he lets my knees go and I extend one leg at a time, feeling the blood make it’s descent to my feet. I lift the blindfold, to peek at him.
“Thank you.” I beam.
After work, on the day Mark told me about Andrea agreeing to this free pass action, I was staring at Jason from across the kitchen table. Our dinner plates and two glasses of wine were between us. I thought “How did it get this way? How did we get to this point where we barely speak, where the idea of doing more than just eating, drinking and watching movies became so arduous we don’t even take vacations anymore?
His face is the one I’ve woken up to and fallen asleep next to for the better part of the decade. It is my favorite face despite everything. The dark, cool blue of his eyes, the brown hair that he cuts super short every three weeks and his bright smile.
I have kissed every part of that face, have touched every inch of it. I’ve loved him for so long that I wonder if I’m all out of love. If there was a limit to how much and how long I could love him for. Did we just wear each other down to unrecognizable shells of what we once were?
“What’s up?” he asked, when he noticed me staring.
I reached for my wine glass. “Nothing. Just admiring you.”
His silence broke my heart.
Later, after the dishes were cleaned and put away, I undressed for a shower in front of him, hoping he would take it as an invitation, but he was hunched over his phone, sitting on the edge of the bed, completely unaware.
I turned on the water as hot as I could stand it and stepped under the assaulting spray, squeezing my eyes shut as tightly as I could. I clenched my fists, tightened my thighs, and then let go, trying to ease the tension, the desire to scream and walk out the door.
When I stepped out of the shower with pink skin, and dripping hair, I wrapped an oversized white towel around my torso. I wiped away the fog from the mirror and stared at my reflection, wondering if Jason still found me attractive. I had been questioning so much that I was getting lost.
I dried off, brushed my teeth and applied cream to my face before hanging the towel on the rack behind the door and walking into the bedroom, half expecting Jason to still be fucking with his phone, but he wasn’t there.
I wandered down the hall and into the living room where he was parked in front of the television.
“Hi.” I said when he didn’t look up.
He glanced at me, half smiled, and returned to the television.
I walked over to the couch and sat on my heels next to him. My skin was still tingling from the shower and the anticipation that comes from asking for sex. I’m already wet thinking about it, hoping he’ll oblige.
“Come to bed?” I traced the outer edge of his ear.
“I’m not really in the mood.” he said to the screen.
“Could you try to get into the mood? Could we just kiss for a bit?”
“I don’t feel like it Rachel.” he said, his tone firm with a hint of agitation.
I glanced down at my thighs, and then his legs and profile as my desire evaporated and I scrambled to rescue myself from feeling humiliated. I unfolded my legs and stood, half hoping he’d change his mind, but was followed by silence.
I thought about Mark and about the consequences of fucking him, and if this would become a full blown affair, or if I’d do it with other people, if I would ever stop. Part of me wanted Jason to catch me, wanted him to confront me to maybe show me he cared.
“May I make you breakfast?” I asked him the next morning as I poured water into the coffee maker.
“No thanks. I’m in a hurry.” he said over his shoulder as he walked into the bedroom.
Seconds later I heard the shower turn on. I stared out the window at the birds flying by, the sun light sparkling through the tree branches, the green of the leaves striking against the blue sky, my bubbling anger threatening rupture.
I would fuck Mark, say nothing to Jason, and see what would happen next.
In the sanctuary of my hotel room, Mark kisses the place above my clit. He lowers his eyes and lies down beside me, his palm gliding over my breasts, before unclasping my bra.
He pulls the blindfold back over my eyes. I feel his hand press against my shoulder, pushing me onto my back. He gets on top of me. He runs his thumb over my nipple while tracing the other one with his tongue. My hands push through his hair as I wrap my legs around his waist.
He licks and sucks the other nipple. His fingers explore my pussy as he kisses my chest, neck and mouth. My arms fold around his upper back, pulling him into me, the weight of his body solid on mine. I feel a release of pent up energy race down my legs like water breaking through a dam. My hips lift and press against his cock, as my nails slide down his back.
“It’s your turn to wear this.” I tell him, pulling off the blindfold and stretching the elastic over his head.
“Is it now?” he grins.
I push him, rolling over on top of him. I lace my fingers with his and pull his hands over his head, pinning him there with one hand while straddling him, exploring his chest. I watch his lips part, and hear the air push out of his mouth. I feel his heart beat beneath my palm.
“Stay here.” I whisper, letting go of his hands.
I press my palms to his chest, and move them down the sides of his body as if I’m trying to memorize the shape of him. I lean down and suck his nipple while sliding my hand over his shaft, then cupping his balls, tugging a little before kissing and licking his other nipple. I move up his torso, giggling as I plant my nipple onto his lips. He smiles and kisses it, then taking it between his lips, he sucks it. He reaches for my body, but I grab his hands and push them back over his head.
Mark laughs as I inch my way down, wet hair spilling on to his belly and the inside of his hips. I wrap my fingers around his cock and envelope him with my lips. I trace a line over the roof of my mouth, with the tip, taking as much of him as I could. When I’ve soaked his skin, I use my hand, following my mouth with it. I do this slowly, listening to his breath, then speed up, lightening my grip.
I want to feel him come in my mouth. I want to taste him. I knead his inner thighs, teasing the sensitive place just inside his hip bone with my fingertips. I feel his cock pulse against my tongue.
“Do you want my cum in your mouth?” he asks.
“Mm hmm.” I give him an open mouthed smile, and tap the head of him against my bottom lip.
I increase the speed of my sucking until his cock tightens and fills my mouth with its warm liquid. I swallow, wipe my mouth with the back of my hand, and inch my way back up his torso. I sit on my heels and pull his arms down, placing his hands on my ass before removing the blindfold.
“I’ll need more of that.” he says, smacking my ass.
“Me too.” I grin.
Mark props himself on his forearms, and we kiss. My teeth graze his lower lip. He digs his fingers into my ribs, and my pussy heats up.
He splits me open with his fingers, and slips one inside, his palm pushing against my clit. I press my hand to his, applying more pressure and grind against him. I kiss him harder, removing my hand and pressing it to his chest. I’ve done this with Jason so often that it’s second nature. I wonder if Mark is thinking about Andrea, if he’s touching me the way he touches her because it’s so familiar. How much of how we touch people is our own way of doing things and how much is learned through people we’ve been with?
I kiss his neck, drag my tongue along his collarbone. My teeth graze the top of his shoulder.
. His hand stays on my clit while the other one traces the length of my back from my hips to my neck. I could cry from the feeling of being touched, and wanted.
“This feels so good.” I whisper.
“Absolutely. It’s a little weird touching someone new after all this time with one person.”
“Yes!” I laugh, placing my cheek on his chest.
I relax into him. I take note of the softness of his skin, the fine dark trail of hair traveling from his stomach leading to the denser hair of his pubis. I trace a line with my finger tip down the length of his arm before interlacing my fingers with his. He pushes my hand back, pressing it into the mattress, my torso following suit as he rolls on top of me.
I open my legs, his cock pressing against my slippery crevice. He takes my other hand and laces his fingers through mine, placing both hands above my head as his teeth graze my neck. I squeeze him and he bites harder. He rubs his cock between my pussy lips.
“You’re so wet.” he mentions.
I smile trying to think of the last time I was this wet, but my memory is fuzzy, and I don’t care right now.
Mark lets go of my hands and says, “Shall we?”
He slides off the bed and pulls a few condoms from his jeans pocket, placing them on a pillow next to me.
I laugh, “What else do you have in there?”
“Hey! Gotta be prepared right?” he says as he opens the wrapper and rolls the condom down his shaft.
I pull him to me and guide him inside relishing the feeling of my body opening, consuming his cock, and seeing pleasure on his face as he pushes all the way in.
Mark thrusts slowly, deliberately, leaning on his palms as we study each other’s faces. My stomach clenches at being seen. I’m holding my breath, as if he’ll find me unacceptable and leave.
“You ok?” he asks.
“Yes. I want it harder.” I reply, feeling tired of the same song and dance of feeling unwanted. I need a new script.
I watch him pound me, the dark pubic hair above my lighter hair, my wetness slathered on the center of his cock as it moves in and out of me, marveling at how we fit together, how delicious it is to hear the slapping noises of our skin banging against each other.
He sits up and pulls my legs to his chest, my ankles resting on top of his shoulders as he drives himself into me. My breasts bounce and I lose my breath with the intensity of it all. I close my eyes and raise my arms over my head, my hands reaching the headboard. I push against it making his cock dive deeper inside of me.
His hands wrap around the front of my thighs, squeezing them. I smile at him and say “I want to get on top of you.”
“Ok.” he agrees, and slows down.
I plant my feet flat on the mattress as he slips out of me and we rearrange ourselves. I get on top of him and push him inside of me again. I fuck him ferociously, like I’ll never fuck anyone again. His eyes light up with surprise as I move forcefully against him. He matches this, his cock a blur moving in and out of me. Everything I’ve kept contained inside is expressing itself. Tears come, and I close my eyes to keep them back. The anger and aggression I’ve harbored toward Jason is pouring out onto Mark’s cock along with my desire, my relentless, insatiable desire to be touched, kissed, and fucked.
Ragged breaths escape me as I place my hands on Mark’s shoulders, pushing him into the mattress. I grind against his cock. He grabs my breasts, pinching my nipples, sending tingly sparks of electricity down my limbs.
I slow down, lowering my body so it’s flat against his. I kiss him, slipping my tongue into his mouth, my mind focusing on his cock moving in and out of me. “Let me feel you, every inch of you.” I say as I press myself into him feeling the familiar buzzing in my clit building to an orgasm.
He grabs my ass, spreading me open before spanking me. He slides his middle finger between my cheeks, pushing it into me. I take his cock deeper, grinding against the base savoring the simultaneous tension inside both of my openings.
I move my hips up so all I feel is the tip of his cock is inside of me. I fuck the head of it, relishing every last slippery bit of it, his finger still pushing in and out of me.
I rock back and forth before swallowing him again. He spanks my ass and I fuck him harder, my skin heating up.
He grabs my hair and pulls. My throat stretches open, lips parting as I exhale, the sensation so great I can’t focus on anything else. I don’t hear my thoughts, or notice the dull shine of my wedding band in the light overhead. Nothing exists outside this moment as I open my mouth and come.
My orgasm takes me hard and fast as I rest on my forearms taking handfuls of sheets, giving myself more leverage to push against him as the radiating sensations squeeze my insides with rolling contractions.
I let the tears fall this time and he holds me, his hand on the back of my head as my orgasmic bellowing turns into quiet sobs.
When I’ve calmed down and caught my breath, I wipe my eyes before looking into his.
“Thank you.” I kiss his cheek, his mouth.
I ease off of him and flop on to my back. I spread out, stretching my limbs far and wide like a starfish, luxuriating in the smell of our sex, sweat, and the heaviness clouding my muscles. I feel my eyes brighten.
“How am I supposed to go back home after that?” he laughs.
I look him over, a myriad of emotions washing over me. “I don’t think I will.”